


I Don't Know How I Would Even Start

by Beethovensbitxh



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV 2020)
Genre: Alex is Evan Hansen, Bobby is Connor Murphy, M/M, Willie is Zoe Murphy, because i enjoy hurting myself, dear evan hansen au but willex, why am I doing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:55:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29591046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beethovensbitxh/pseuds/Beethovensbitxh
Summary: After the death of Bobby Wilson, Alex Mercer gets wrapped up in a giant lie and tries to prove to Bobby's best friend that Bobby wasn't as cold and distant as Willie thought.orDear Evan Hansen AU based around If I Could Tell Her
Relationships: Alex Mercer/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Kudos: 20





	I Don't Know How I Would Even Start

**Author's Note:**

> My group chat got this in our heads and then I could NOT stop thinking about it so here ya go go nuts

It had been 2 dreadful weeks. 

Willie Covington wasn’t sure he could just go on pretending everything was right with the world. Like how some of his classmates had. They’d just kept on keeping on, completely oblivious to the death of his best friend.

Willie tried to not let it affect him, let the world keep flowing. Suicide wasn’t something anyone in Los Feliz hadn’t experienced. They’d lost classmates, friends, family, neighbors. It was different this time around. No one had seen it coming.

Willie had been staying with the Wilsons for coming on a year now after his uncle got arrested. They were his second family, and Bobby was his best friend. Until he wasn’t.

To make matters worse, the note Bobby left wasn’t even for him. It was addressed to Alex Mercer, that one kid in their grade with the cast and the drum sticks. Willie had to admit, he barely knew Alex. He just knew he played drums, well… the cast suggested not at the moment.

Alex Mercer had gotten himself wrapped up in the death of a classmate, and made a total mess of it all. It all started with a broken arm, and a therapy appointment, and then a letter. A letter to himself about why the world was screwed up and how he was going to make the best out of it. And then a second letter, about how that day sucked.

_ Dear Alex Mercer, _

_ Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? I know, because there’s Willie, and all my hope is pinned on Willie, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to him. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Your most best, and dearest friend, Me _

Willie was almost perfect, and Alex noticed everything he did. He saw every little thing, yet he pushed it all away. He former best friends current best friend wasn’t exactly the guy you go for. Especially now. Alex wasn’t even sure if Willie was into guys.

Bobby Wilson wasn’t exactly a friend to Alex anymore. They’d worked on group projects together on occasion, and Alex had tutored him once or twice for a chemistry test. But that was before. Before Bobby locked the world out and hid in his room. He skipped class a lot, and Alex really only saw him in the halls on the rare occasion Bobby showed up.

They’d been close once upon a time, in Kindergarten when Bobby was… well Bobby. The kid in the back of the class that made it his personal mission to befriend the lonely new kid a few tables down. But then middle school happened and they drifted apart. Now Alex had Luke and Reggie. 

That didn’t stop him from completely making a fool of himself in front of Bobby’s parents and best friend. He’d made them all believe that “why yes, Bobby and I were very close” and even been invited to dinner with the Wilsons and Willie.

The bedroom they’d once spent hours playing and doing homework in was practically the same, but the posters on the walls were new, and some of the things on the shelf had been replaced by newer versions and things, and the ones that had stayed had collected layers upon layers of dust.

“I haven’t been here since…” Alex let his fist hit the wooden shelf, giving it a knock. Willie stood in the doorway. Nothing inside had been touched since Bobby died, and even leaving impressions in the carpet scared him.

“Why’d he say those things? In the letter?” He muttered, and looked up at Alex but kept his head bowed. “‘Because there’s Willie. And all my hope is pinned on Willie. Who I don’t know and who doesn’t know me.’ Why- why would he say that? What does- what does that even mean?” Willie recited back Alex’s own letter, and Alex swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I guess… he always thought you guys were closer.” “Closer? We lived in the same house. We saw each other everyday. All he had to do was knock on my door.”

Willie finally entered the room for the first time in weeks and sat on the bed, feeling the cold comforter soften under his palm. Alex lowered himself down next to Willie.

“So you and Bobby… what? Talked about me?” “I mean…” Alex looked for a reason to give him, “Sometimes. But only if he brought you up. I-I never- yeah.” He stammered out and stood up, facing away from Willie.

“But he uh…” Alex finally said after a tense moment, “He thought you were… pretty awesome.” 

Willie furrowed his brows and tilted his head, “Awesome?” “Oh yeah! Definitely” Alex spun, a half-meaning grin on his face. “Really?”

“Well, yeah… uhm…”

_ He said, there’s nothing like your smile _

_ Sorta subtle and perfect and real _

_ And he said  _

_ You never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel _

Alex glanced around the room before bringing his attention back to Willie

_ And he knew _

_ Whenever you get bored, you scribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans _

_ And he noticed _

_ You still fill out the quizzes that they put in those _

_ Skating magazines _

Alex grasped at straws, basing everything he knew around one certain thing

_ But he kept it all _

_ Inside his head _

_ What he saw he left unsaid _

_ And though he wanted to _

_ He couldn’t talk to you _

_ He couldn’t find a way _

_ But he would always say _

Alex spun, arms out

_ If I could tell him _

_ Tell him everything i see _

_ If I could tell him _

_ How he’s everything to me _

_ But we’re a million worlds apart _

Alex had a shake in his knees, and sat down on the bed next to Willie, who moved a tad to face him. There faces were so close, and all Alex wanted to do was close the gap, but he knew he shouldn’t

_ And I dont know how I would even start _

_ If I could tell him _

_ If I could tell him _

“Did he…” Willie caught Alex’s attention again as they sat side to side, “Did he say anything else?” 

“A-about you?’ Alex questioned, and Willie’s eyes widened a bit and he stood up “Nevermind I don’t really care I-” “Hey! Wait no! He said so many things I’m just- I’m just trying to remember the best ones!” Alex stuttered and waved his hands around, trying to reach another example. He knew this was… this was wrong. Lying. But Willie just seemed to upset, and hearing all this at least brought back a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

_ He thought you looked really pretty- _

_ Or uhm.. It looked pretty cool _

_ When you put indigo streaks in your hair _

He saved himself, thank God. “He did?” Willie questioned eagerly, and Alex nodded. “Yeah! Yeah he did!” It was nice to see a semi-smile peeking out from behind the grief.

_ And he wondered _

_ How you learned to skate  _

_ Like the rest of the world isn't there _

_ But he kept it all _

_ Inside his head _

_ What he saw he left unsaid _

_ And though he wanted to _

_ He couldn't talk to you _

_ He couldn't find a way _

_ But he would always say _

_ If I could tell him _

_ Tell him everything i see _

_ If I could tell him _

_ How he's everything to me _

_ But we’re a million worlds apart _

Willie repeated the same words as he sat down on the bed again. He was questioning everything. Bobby wished they were closer? They were attached at the hip. They lived down the hall from each other. Bobby was the closest thing he had to a brother. But he was grieving, and he was alone for the first time since his uncle went away. Maybe Alex was right. Maybe he was imagining things?

_ And I dont know _

_ How I would even start _

_ If i could tell him _

_ If i could tell him _

_ But whaddaya do when there's this great divide? _ __  
  


_ He just seemed so far away... _

_ And whaddaya do when the distance is too wide? _

Willie turned and took in a shaky breath, staring at the framed photo of them on Bobby’s nightstand

_ It’s like I dont know anything _

_ And how do you say? _

_ “I love you” _

_ I love you _

_ I love you _

_ I love you… _

Alex wanted to scream it there, standing across the room from Willie, who was so beautiful and full of emotion. He practically was, but Willie just couldn’t hear him.

_ And we’re a million worlds apart _

_ And I don’t know _

_ How I would even start _

_ If I could tell him _

_ If I could… _

Alex sat back down on the bed, and Willie turned his head slowly to face him, and Alex finally closed the gap. Willie held his hand onto the back of Alex’s head and pushed him further into the kiss. They fit together so perfectly, and Alex ignored the feeling in his gut telling him that this was a bad idea.


End file.
